perpetual memory loss

"Sleeping Beauty"

It’s time for round two of presidential nicknames. This time we move on to the funniest, most ironic (hence the hipster edition) nicknames. So these nicknames will be funny, or ironic, or both. Huzzah! If you haven’t done so yet read Part I.

10. Chester Alan Arthur

Nicknames: “Chet”, “Gentleman Boss”, “Prince Arthur”, “The Dude President”, and “Walrus”

The Dude President. I have a sneaking suspicion that Arty wasn’t really elected president. Instead it was one Chester Alan Arthur of Ohio. However, our Chester A. Arthur, from California, preferred drinking white russians whilst bowling. Unfortunately, he spent his entire presidency trying to get a new rug from the English PM after a couple of limey thugs peed on his (if you don’t get any of these references punch yourself in the face now). Also did anyone ever call him Chester the Molester? I dunno but that definitely would’ve made for a great attack ad.

9. John Adams

Nicknames: “The Colossus of Independence”, “The Duke of Braintree”, “King John the Second”, “Old Sink or Swim”, and “His Rotundity”.

Here we have one of the founders who accomplished a lot to bring America into being. He was also the second President of the United States, but he also spent more time on vacation on his farm in Quincy than actually presidenting. He spent more time on vacation than George W. Bush (and that’s saying something) Perhaps we should add “His Vationness” or “Vacation-in-Chief”. Of course Adams was also a colossal cock who rubbed everyone the wrong way (his own party didn’t even want to endorse him for a second term). Adams also was particularly fond of seemingly British titles and procedures, hence all the Dukes, Kings etc. in his nicknames, despite the fact that the US had just fought a war to get rid of a lot of that shit. He is a complete contradiction. Oh yah and he was fat. His Rotundity is one of my favorite nicknames ever.

8. Thomas Jefferson

Nicknames: “The Apostle of Democracy”, “The Man of the People”, “Mad Tom”, “The Negro President”, and “The Sage of Monticello”.

Jefferson the first President elected because of the three-fifths compromise hence The Negro President. Jefferson helped his own cause by fathering a horde of half black kids. Jefferson begins a string of presidents from the south (not all in a row) who get elected primarily because of slavery. The only reason he could be a sage was because he didn’t have to work. He had plenty of time to think and contemplate philosophy whilst his slaves did all his work. One of the few things that Jefferson ever let get in the way of all of his sageing was all the slave banging he did.

7. James Madison

Nicknames: “Little Jemmy”, “Father of the Constitution”, and “His Little Majesty”.

Yah I know he’s the father of the constitution but the idea of someone calling him His Little Majesty just cracks me up. Our one and only midget president. I wonder if any of the founders ever tossed him on ye olde mattress?

6. John Tyler, Jr.

Nickname: “His accidency”.

John Tyler. Does anyone ever remember that this guy was even a president? I sure didn’t until I saw this episode of Futurama. The nickname says it all and the fact that he is a completely forgettable, ineffective, and illegitimate president catapults him up the list.

5. Lyndon Baines Johnson

Nicknames: “LBJ”, “Landslide Johnson”, “Bullshit Johnson”, and “Light-Bulb Lyndon”.

LBJ gives us a lot to work with. LBJ was turned into a campaign slogan “All the way with LBJ”. Now my question is how has that not been turned into a porn parody? Especially in light of the fact that LBJ was quite the philanderer. Bullshit Johnson because he told a lot of tall tales (I’m sure he told his classmates that he invented the motorcycle and he used to jump it off cliffs shooting an AK-47 at all the Mexicans trying to cross the border whilst simultaneously banging some broad who was sitting on his lap).

I also find it hilariously ironic that the president that helped push through the Civil Rights Act of 1964 doesn’t have a nickname like The Lion of Civil Rights or The Friend of the Black Man or something, but instead one of his nicknames is basically the Light-Bulb Nazi. And in another twist of irony, unlike Hoover, LBJ’s Landslide Johnson nickname was used to make fun of him for a close election but then after the 1964 presidential landslide election it became a reality. So he’s always got that.

4. Hebert Clark Hoover

Nicknames: “The Great Engineer”, “The Great Humanitarian”, and “The Chief”.

Although Hoover received The Great Engineer and The Great Humanitarian nicknames for genuinely great accomplishments before his presidency, by the end of his presidency they became highly ironic. It’s must be hard to be called the Great Humanitarian while going through the Great Depression. It also didn’t help that people were calling empty pockets (sticking inside out) “Hoover Flags”, or impromptu towns of homeless people “Hoovervilles”, or a newspaper used as a blanket a “Hoover blanket”. Hoover blankets are still a DC staple. Other Hooverisms here.

3. William Howard Taft

Nicknames: “Big Chief”, “Old Bill”, “Big Lub”, “Big Bill”, and “Sleeping Beauty”.

You may have noticed that there is a bit of a trend to throw “Big” in front of most of his nicknames. While unoriginal it is also understandable because Tafty was a big fat fatty. However, the nickname Sleeping Beauty takes the fucking cake. Taft was so fat he had sleep apnea (read his fat was literally crushing him when he slept making him wake up, have shallow breathing, or generally not feel rested when he awoke, now that’s a big fat fatty). Because of this Tafty had to have Mrs. Big fat fatty attend his meetings in order to keep him awake. Hah!

2. Rutherford Birchard Hayes

Nicknames: “Granny Hayes”, “Queen Victoria in Riding Breeches”, “President De Facto”, “His Fradulency”, “Rutherfraud Hayes” “Boss Thief”, “The Great Usurper”, and “Old 8 to 7″.

Wow. Where do I start? We have two basic categories when dealing with ol’ Rutherford. Names making fun of him because he didn’t drink or smoke (and evidently looked like an old woman), and names making fun of him because he became president through fraudulent means. All of his nicknames are fantastic. Easily one of the best president’s to exist solely because he has given us so many great nicknames. Granny Hayes, Queen Victoria in Riding Breeches (fucking breeches I think that word was even antiquated when he was president), and Rutherfraud. All hilarious nicknames for one of the most corrupt presidents ever. Rutherford really could be numero uno but he loses out, just barely though.

1. Stephen Grover Cleveland

Nicknames: “The Beast of Buffalo”, “The Hangman of Buffalo”, “His Obstinancy”, “The Stuffed Prophet”, “The Elephantine Economist”, and “Uncle Jumbo”.

Ol’ Grover wins this based off of one nickname: The Beast of Buffalo. (He could’ve ended up in the next list based on The Hangman of Buffalo which is pretty sweet and BAMF, but I believe you will agree with me after I make my case). The Beast of Buffalo was given to him after false rumors were started, by the opposition, that he beat his wife. How awesome is that? Very awesome. Despite these rumors he was still elected President. BAM! Take that feminists. Personally, I’d like to believe that he was a wife beater and that he wore a wife beater whilst beating his wife. I also like to think…

Oval Office

“Mr. President we have a crisis.”

“What is it?”

“Sir, there’s a Pullman’s strike going on that is wreaking havoc on the rails. What should we do?”

“OOOH really, well I umm really don’t know what to do.”

“Mr. President you need to think, this strike could vitally affect the commerce and security of the nation.”

“Hmmmm well I just don’t know, let me confer with my wife.”

“Yes, but of course Mr. President, I will return shortly.”

“Fraaaaaaannnnnceeeeessss!”

“Yes dear what do you need?”

“I need to think bitch!”

(Grover proceeds to rip off his overcoat and starched shirt revealing an oily, yellow stained wife beater)

“Please don’t Grovey-poo!!! Pleeeeaaaaase!!”

“It’s the only way I can think woman. Let the beating commence.”

Later that day

“Have you come to a decision Mr. President?”

“Yes I have, it really is quite elementary my dear sir, this is what we are going to do…”

So as I sit here drinking a beer with my wife beater on I’d like to say here’s to you Grovey-poo. According to me you have the funniest presidential nickname.

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Honorable Mentions:

James Monroe

Nickname: “The Era of Good Feelings President”

Hard to say it was an era of good feelings when over a million people were enslaved. Just sayin’.

Martin Van Buren

Nicknames: “The American Talleyrand”, “The Careful Dutchman”, “The Enchanter”, “The Little Magician”, “Martin Van Ruin”, and a bunch of other boring names.

Perhaps ol’ Marty V should’ve been in the worst nicknames list. With the amount of names he has and the fact that most of them are boring. I may have made a mistake, but I’m sticking with him on this list on the strength of Martin Van Ruin. Also he was a ginger so he had no soul and that’s always funny.

Up next will be the BAMF edition of presidential nicknames.

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