perpetual memory loss

I have always been fairly open on this site writing about my life and occurrences that happen to me–whether good or bad–and that will continue. Beware this post is only for those of you who like drama. So the latest drama-rama to come into my life happened yesterday and it all started with a self-deprecating facebook post:

Sometimes I amaze myself with my nerdiness.

It seems innocent enough and I totally though it was. However it was an impetus for all that was to come. What happened next was completely unexpected. My brother’s ex commented thusly:

…we are all amazed by it! XO ***** takes after you so much. You have no idea how much!!

I replied that yes I did teach that person a lot about how to be a nerd to which she responded:

Yes you did…you really did. She LOVEs you with all of her perfect heart. I have HUNDREDS of cards, drawings, paintings, and many many more things she has made with such care for her Uncle *****. It will be so much fun going through all that some day. Let us know next time your in town, we would love to take you nerds to dinnner.

Dinner with his ex?

Sure why wouldn’t I go to dinner with her and ****?

hmmmm.. I wonder! I guess your brother doesn’t mean very much to you.

Haha well I guess it’s a good thing I have you around to tell me what I feel, btw nice try with the guilt trip.

I guess I know now what kind of person you REALLY are!

I just thought that your brother meant something to you. Obviously you don’t remember all the things that happened. I can see why **** feels like he doesn’t have a family except for the girls and me. That’s too bad. My brother recently got divorced for the same reasons and I would never in a million years have a relationship with her. I see my niece and nephew through my brother, not his ex. It is just messed up.

 

Omg dramatic much. Don’t even pretend to tell me how I feel about my brother or my family because you are clueless to that fact. And I didn’t realize I had to get my contact list approved by both of you. If you have a problem with me talking to her tough shit. If matt has a problem with it he can talk to me. Otherwise I’m just not going to allow you to dictate who I talk to or how I “supposedly” feel about ****. And on last thing ***** don’t you ever fucking presume you know what type of person I am because you have no idea.

Okay, first of all, I am pretty sure I know exactly the type of person you are. Secondly, I am not trying to DICTATE to you who you can and can not talk to. There is a code on how you should treat your family members. The way **** is being treated by you and your family is ridiculous and it shows how you view **** as a brother. **** always told me stories about the loyalty that you guys as a family had, and I absolutely do not see it AT ALL! Family doesn’t treat family this way. I am not pretending to know how you feel about your brother, from this point of view it sure as hell looks like you don’t think much of him. I hope this is not true and I hope you and him remain close. I just think maybe you should look at it from another persons point of view, or are you too good to do that?

Well don’t act like you’re the only one that cares about ****. I do too but I also live my life how I choose and I don’t need anyone to look down their nose at me and the choices I make.

 

Well, that’s fine, but you may loose family over choices. There are consequences for the way you treat someone. So, I guess if you having a relationship with your brother’s ex wife is more important, that is your choice to make and I can’t say or do anything about it. But it is also my choice not to have people like that in my life. As far as I go, I would rather not talk to you. **** on the other had, I don’t know how he feels, he can make his own choices.

 

Wow it’s amazing how it went from me being civil to someone to now I’m having a relationship with her. I had no idea it was that serious between us. How about you quit acting like a child and judging everyone? If you don’t want to talk to me over something so trivial that’s fine. I don’t need such petty childish people in my life. And I still haven’t heard anything from my brother so I wonder why the fuck you are instigating and trying to drive a wedge between us? Do you get off on creating soap opera like drama? Maybe you should find a more productive and life affirming hobby.

 

Whatever. You just keep convincing yourself of your perfectness. **** will make his own decision and I speak up for what I believe in.

 

Wow I can’t believe you unfriended me that’s really lame but whatever. Look I don’t know why everything has to be black and white for you. Just because I’m civil to her does not mean I’m disloyal to my brother it just means that I don’t feel like carrying a grudge agaisnt her for my whole entire life, and here you are creating even more problems by making a big deal out of the fact that I’m nice to her. I don’t know what your deal is and why you feel that you have to push people away because of that. It probably has more to do with your own insecurities than anything else. I will always love my brother and will always be loyal to him but I’m not going to spend my whole life being bitter about something that happened a long time ago, and quite frankly it’s between them and not me. So here we are now with you acting all immature about this and trying to drive a wedge between ****and me. We are left with a few choices either you grow up and we all move on, you pretend this never happened and we go our seperate ways, or you talk to **** about this and ge gets in touch with me. Unless he has recently been struck deaf, dumb, blind, and mute I expect to hear from him on this. I’m done arguing with you over something so inane via email. I hope for all the best for you all but I won’t be responding to anymore of your emails. Like I said if **** has a problem with this I should hear it from him and not you.

Hey, if I overstepped my bounds, I am sorry. I just care so deeply about **** and I really hate seeing him get hurt, it kills me. 

 SO I’m not sure what the whole point of this exercise has been except for hoping that one of my 3 readers may have some insight to help me out or maybe tell me how I could’ve proceeded differently. Who knows at this point if I will ever talk to my brother again considering that the succubus now controls or has access to all modes of communication with him. All I know is I’m drinking a lot this weekend.

I have consistently been a late adopter of technology.  The last time I jumped on the techno band wagon from the get go was when I bought an mp3 player back before there was such a thing as an iPod (it was the equivalent of the Zack Morris cell phone).  Needless to say I got burned and I learned my lesson.  Since that time I have always waited and waited for new technology to go through a few iterations before I buy it.  Last Friday I decided to finally jump on the iPhone band wagon, and although I wish I would have done it sooner I am glad that I waited for them to work out some of the bugs.

Anyways I have been trolling the app store looking for good apps and wanted to promote one of my favorite apps so far.  The app is from BeamItDown Software and it is a collection of 150 Great Books (and counting).  Usually I feel the same way about digital books as I do about new technology, I really don’t like it.   There’s really nothing that can beat reading a real book, as opposed to the digital incarnation, but the price was right so I figured what the hell I’ll give it a try.  Up until this point I have only really read research papers and the like in digital form, and those usually don’t exceed fifty pages or so, but even those few pages are taxing on my eyes.  Now with all my complaining and griping about digital books you might be asking “well I thought you liked this app?”  I do but I just had to get some minor complaints out of the way first.

Lately I have been packing–in preparation for my imminent move to somewhere, don’t know where just yet–and I filled up two twenty gallon plastic storage containers with my books.  And when I went to move them into the other room I almost gave myself a hernia.  Seriously books are fucking heavy and annoying to move.  I had forgotten about that.  So until the time comes where I settle down and have a room dedicated as my library I think I am going to calm down on buying books.  Secondly, I went to do my laundry the other day and usually along with my colossal bag of dirty laundry, detergent, softener, and bounce sheets, I usually take my phone, iPod, and a book to read.  Now instead I just grabbed my bag of laundry and my iPhone and I was off listening to my music during the long trek to the laundromat, and once there I dove into A Tale of Two Cities, which is a book I have been meaning to read for years.  Despite my aversion to digital books I really enjoyed it and so far I haven’t really felt that I am missing that much by reading it off of my phone.  Actually it’s pretty damn great, and bonus because there are so many choices of books to read I will never be without a book.  And besides it’s much better than carrying my satchel (it’s not a man purse it’s a satchel) into the city filled with books and what not.

By the way the app is now 50% off and is only $4.99–which when added to the price of a new iPhone is cheaper than the Kindle, and the Kindle doesn’t play music or make phone calls (suck on that amazon). That $4.99 price tag is also  cheaper than buying even one of the books on the list.  Speaking of the list here are some of the highlights of what books are included on the app: a collection of Dickens, Twain, Doyle, Dumas, Hardy, London, Poe, and Wells.  Oh but wait there’s more it also includes political tracts from Hamilton, Locke, Marx, Milton, Paine, and Plato.  And there is a ton of other stuff including Epic Poetry, regular poetry, and fables.  There is really a grip of worthwhile books on the list just begging to be read, and hey did I mention it’s really a phenomenal deal.  The app itself works smoothly and saves where you left off in every book that you are reading.  Instead of simulating a book and page turns this app works like a “teleprompter” which makes it easier to read.  You can set it to move automatically so that you don’t have to touch the screen and can just keep reading.  Personally I hate the mode because I either feel that I am being rushed or that it’s moving too slow–I haven’t found the “just right” speed yet–and besides I like to read well written passages over and over again so I can fully appreciate them.  So I’d rather move the script on my own, but the option is there which is nice.

However, there are a couple add-ons I would like to see.  One is a way to highlight, mark, or dog-ear certain passages.  I have the tendency to write notes and bracket particularly good passages, but the ability to write notes is probably asking for a bit much so I would settle for a way to just highlight passages for reference later on.  Secondly, I would like some kind of page reference that lets me know the approximate page number that I am currently reading.  One of the benefits of reading books is noting the progress you make each time you sit down and read for a few hours, and that is really lost on this format.  Other than those minor gripes the app is the tops and well worth the money.  I don’t think I’ll ever go completely digital but being able to have so many good books on hand at all times is priceless (cliche I know, but also true).

Thanks to crunchgear for the pic.

Today I had a nice surprise waiting for me on my front porch.  It was a wrinkled, rain warped manila envelope, inside of which was my official Honorable Discharge certificate from the Marines.  I’d like to especially thank the postal service for doing everything in their power to make sure that I got this envelope in terrible condition.  So thanks guys you really earned your pay.

I woke up this morning seriously pissed off.  I didn’t really know why, but I figured after a nice cup of coffee and a bowl of cereal I would be good.  Unfortunately, I was out of milk so no cereal, and I drank way too much coffee on an empty stomach so I was feeling queasy by the time I got to school for work.  Things spiraled down from there as I had a new project waiting for me at work which pisses me off because I seem to be the only research assistant that actually does research.  The rest just sit around doing their homework.  So I stayed grumpy and became even more irritable as the day wore on.

Ugly Baby Exhibit A

By the time I got home around 5pm I was bristling with anger, and I told neverbesocial that if there was a baby in front of me I would punch it in the throat.  (I have to clarify that statement, however, as most babies would probably melt my heart–like the sap I am–but I would have seriously thought about punching an ugly baby in the throat.)  Be that as it may I kept getting more angry because I couldn’t figure out why I was so angry all day long.  Then I took a look at my calendar and saw what day it was.  Today is March 19th and it is–along with the 20th–the anniversary of the invasion of Iraq.  I quickly realized that that was why I was pissed all day, even though I didn’t realize the significance of the day until after about 9 hours of being a real grinch.  I guess my body is just on its own program.

Like I said everything started to make sense after that, but I ended up getting more pissed off because I was thinking about how I hate these wars and how I can’t wait for them to be over and for the troops to come home.  I also was pissed at myself for being such a whiny complaining bitch because someone had the audacity to ask me to do my job, whilst there are other people over in Iraq and Afghanistan separated from their families performing a thankless arduous job.  I decided that it was time to hit the gym and go for a run to burn off all of my anger.  I went to the gym and really killed myself.  Running whilst angry is great; anger is one of the best motivators out there.  After a good two hours at the gym I was feeling really good and as I was walking home and just as I was getting ready to cross the street I noticed that there was like 3 cars at each stop sign waiting for me.  I figured I’d be a nice guy and jog across the street so that these people could get on their way quicker.  Bad idea.  This is the first time something like this has ever happened to me.  I took two steps and both legs cramped up and locked themselves in a bent position.  I came crashing down in the middle of the street in absolute anguish.  I managed to get up and hop to the sidewalk where I laid on the ground writhing for the next 5 minutes as cars drove by staring at me like I was a circus freak.  To make matters worse some people on the other side of the street were walking by and had seen the whole thing and were laughing their asses off.  Salt in the wound.

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I have some big changes coming up in my life over the next few months and I have been planning it all out trying to make sure that my transition from school to the job market goes as smoothly as possible in this crazy economic climate.  However, things are quickly unraveling.  Today, for example, was my big comprehensive final that I need to pass in order to graduate.  Well I did a little research found out all the ins & outs and created a strategy.  I decided to pick the three classes that went together–Colonial America 1600-1690, Colonial America 1690-1765, and American Revolution.  I figured I would study for those three classes write one enormous essay split it into three parts and then BAM! I’d be pretty much done.  Sounds like a good idea right?  Nope total fail.  You see even though they told me I would have a choice from all the classes I had taken they lied.  They threw me a nasty 12-6 curve ball and gave me a partial list of classes.  Once I read the questions and saw that my plan had gone awry my mind went blank and I stared at the computer blinking for the next 10 minutes.  I then looked to see if any of my current classes were on there since they were still fresh in my mind–negative on that point too.  (Funny thing was that the other person from the history department that took the test at the same time had all three of the questions that we had studied for plus questions from all his current classes.)   In anguish I looked over the list of questions again and saw that there were two questions I had studied for and the rest I hadn’t.  Most of the remaining questions were terrible and way too ambitious–on the teachers part–for me to answer cogently in an essay with the limited time I had.  So I decided to answer the Civil War question even though I really don’t remember much from the class.  Well to make a long story less long I somehow grinded out an essay (not very good ones mind you) for each question.  Some of you may say well that’s your fault for not studying for all of your classes, but while that may be true, I had a good strategy and the thought of studying for 10 classes over the last 2 years didn’t sound very appealing or a productive use of my time.  I figured better to know a few really well than all of them not very well at all.  Oh well I’ll find out soon enough it I scraped by.  So that was the first plan that went wrong.

My next plan was to spend this next week holed up in my hovel working on homework in an attempt to get ahead on my semesters workload–I have three research essays that I don’t have topics for never mind the books.  Novel idea for me since I always procrastinate and end up slammed at the end of the semester and well that is starting to get really old.  Besides along with my regular workload I have extra research work to do for teachers, I have to find a job, and a new place to live.  So it would definitely be a good idea to take this break to get ahead on everything so I’m not living in a box in a few months.  Well as luck would have it JetBlue was having some kind of blow out on tickets to Vegas.  I found a round trip ticket for $225 (how crazy cheap is that?) and decided to take advantage of it.  So there goes my plan of not procrastinating and putting my nose to the grindstone and getting some much needed work done.  Now I guess I can look forward to a long stressful last couple months of this semester.  I’m sure this will be an epic week in Vegas, and it’s a break that I do need, but keep your fingers crossed that it all works out and you don’t see me teaming up with a midget and dancing to Thriller in the subway.

HBO has had quite a few shows lately dealing with the war in Iraq, and they have all been well done and even-handed.  Taking Chance is the newest HBO film that revolves around the Iraq war, and like the others it is non-political and just tells the true story of one Marine escorting another Marine home.  I don’t want to try and deconstruct this film like some film nerd, instead I will just say that it is well worth your time.  I watched it last night–instead of the craptastic Oscars–and it was an emotional movie.  If you can watch this film without tearing up then you must not have a soul or maybe you’re just a cynical hippie (or both).  Anyways watch the trailer then check it out:

As I’m sure some of you may have heard this weekend is, yet another, corporate holiday shoved down our throats in an attempt to hijack some of our hard-earned dollars.  I am, of course, talking about Valentine’s Day.  So while there will be tons of people buying candy hearts, chocolates, flowers, cards, and all the other Valentine’s Day accouterments another important event will be relegated to the back burner.  That event is the official beginning of baseball season.  Pitchers and catchers are to report to Spring Training on Saturday, February 14.  So instead of buying your gal pal some chocolates, or any of those other contrived gifts, go buy her a baseball mitt.  Then you can go outside and play some catch, because as we all know, after the crack! of the bat, there is no better sound than the whizz and pop of playing catch on a nice spring day.

The beginning of the real baseball season also means that fantasy baseball is about to begin.  I have been struggling to find something to waste my time on these last few months to no avail.  The biggest time vampire in the entire world is fantasy baseball and I, for one, will be glad to have it back in my life sucking precious minutes out of my day that would probably be better spent on school work or something constructive like that.  So to all of you in my league “Look Out!” because I haven’t been resting on my laurels all winter and my team will be ready to defend our title this year.  Forget Valentine’s Day I’m all about the “Beginning of Baseball Season Day.”  Now there’s a holiday I can get behind.

My bags are packed and I am ready to go.  Tomorrow I will board one of those crazy Chinese buses and begin my last free weekend off before school starts.  I’m off to Washington D.C. to hang out with an ol’ friend who just happens to have a head the size of Mr. Met.  Don’t know how he walks without toppling over.  Anyways on the agenda for the weekend is hitting up the WWII Memorial, Lincoln Memorial, and to get seriously fucked up.  Hopefully I will have some crazy story to relate back to you all on my return.  If not I will be taking my handy-dandy notebook camera with me so regardless I should have some pics to post.  But for now with my bags packs and a big tall glass of Beam & Coke down the gullet I am ready to get to sleep.  I will be basically off the grid all weekend but I should be updating randomly on twitter so if you aren’t already following me now is the time.  C-ya all on the flip side.

I know I’ve been MIA lately but there is a good reason which I am going to explain.  I have been drinking a shit-ton of alcohol lately while I have been working through some notions that have been rolling through my dome-piece.  You see I have been feeling the itch lately (no not the VD itch) but the life itch.  Every once in awhile I start getting restless and where I feel like I am in need of a drastic change in life.  The last time I had this feeling I decided to join the Marine Corps and spent the next four years moving around the country and the world.  Additionally, over the past ten years I have lived in four different states and over ten different apartments.  I am just really restless and I am not sure why.

So why am I boring you with this?  I don’t actually know, but I do know that I haven’t been able to work the problem out via alcohol so I figured what the shit I’ll blog about it.  After writing up this blog though I decided to scrap it and not publish it as I felt it was maybe a bit too personal, and then I came back to it and decided to write it differently and to hell with it being to personal.  It doesn’t really matter anyways since most of you all don’t know me, and I figure maybe if I write it out this way–as a dialogue between the warring factions of my grape a la Fight Club–then maybe the issue will work itself out.  So here it goes this is basically the conversation that has been taking place, on a regular basis, in my alcohol fueled head over the last few months–and increasingly so lately:

“Self.”

“Yes, what do you want?”

“What the fuck is your problem?”

“Nothing. I’m fine.”

“Oh don’t give me that ‘I’m fine’ crap.  Why you being such a sour Sally lately?”

“Why you being such an asshole?”

“Just answer the question.”

“Well, self, I dunno what’s wrong.  I just feel like I have to get out of here, you know, move on to greener pastures.”

“What’s wrong with where you’re at? school’s going good, you have a dope new TV, a good apartment, enough money.  From where I’m sitting (same place where you’re sitting btw) things look pretty damn sweet.”

“In a sense that is true, but I also feel the need to move on and do something with my life.  I’m starting to feel a little too comfortable here, and a big drastic change could be just what I need.”

“It could also be just what you don’t need; ever think of that?  Look you’ve been moving around quite a bit lately and it seems to me that every time you start to put down some roots somewhere you just decide to get up and leave starting the whole damn process over again.  Maybe what you really need is no change; just try to enjoy life.”

“I do enjoy life but I’m starting to feel that ol’ adventurous streak flare up again.  My life has become pretty normal and boring.  I thought I was done adventuring and maybe I am, but then again, maybe I’m not.”

“You know you’re fucking retarded right?”

“No need to get snippy.”

“Well you are.  What more do you need to do?  I mean look in just a bit over four years time you have gotten and BA and a Masters.  What else you need?  Is that not enough of an accomplishment for you?”

“No it’s not.  I need more.  I don’t feel like this is accomplishing anything.  Do you know how many people get degrees?  The unemployment lines are full of assholes who have degrees.  They don’t really mean that much.  I want to put my stamp on the world.”

“Jesus delusions of grandeur.  Here we go again, and I thought you were done with all that bs.  But no, you just can’t leave well enough alone can you?  Instead you get all these ideas floating around in your head and then you go and throw a monkey in the wrench.”

“That doesn’t even make sense.  How does one throw a monkey in a wrench?”

“Don’t change the subject.”

“Well you know what I’m thinking because, well, you’re me.”

“Still want to hear your dumb ass say it aloud.”

“Ok, look dick wad I just think about stuff a lot.  I think about where I’m going in this life and where I’ve been and I want to try and figure out which is the best avenue that I should pursue in the next section of my life.”

“I can’t believe that you are actually thinking that thought.”

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Today I went to Barnes & Noble to buy some books to read over the break.  Fortunately I received a gift card from the history department for my exemplary work this semester, so I was able to buy more books than I was planning on.  So here is what I am going to be attempt to read over the break:

The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck

A Farewell to Arms by Ernest Hemingway

Oil! by Upton Sinclair

Team of Rivals: The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln by Doris Kearns Goodwin

I almost got Dostoevsky’s House of the Dead, but instead decided on Oil!.  If I somehow manage to finish all of these I will probably pick it up or I may re-read Don Quixote.  Anyways look out for reviews for these books as I finish them, and feel free to recommend other books that you think I may like (not Twilight though).  Now I just have to figure out which book I am going to start with.