It has been almost 7 years since I’ve been in California and boy does it feel nice to be back. The weather is beautiful and compared with DC there is no humidity.
My day went pretty much as expected–both good and bad. Woke up balls ass early, crammed myself onto a flying sardine tin with a bunch of other assholes, and stood in lots of long lines throughout this epically long day. For the most part things went smoothly but of course there were some balls that were dropped–not by me of course–but I’ll let it slide today. Tomorrow is crunch time and hopefully everyone is on their A game because I’m looking for a day full of no drama.
Got to visit the Nixon Library today which was pretty cool. It was bigger and nicer than I imagined. While walking around I stumbled into the new exhibit that has Futurama storyboards and animations cells from episodes that feature Nixon’s head. So that was a bonus. Lastly, I got to meet some old school Nixonians and they pretty much talked shit to me from the get go (although they tried to be subtle about it). They didn’t wait to find out who I was or anything about me. I’m a gov worker so I’m shit and the enemy.
So now that my day is winding down I’m feeling nostalgic so I went and bought myself some 40′s. When I was a young pup I used to partake of the Old E or Mickey’s but now that I’m older and wiser I prefer the ol’ Colorado Kool-Aid. To finish this day off all I need is some tacos or In ‘N’ Out Burgers oooorrrrr both.
Around about a year ago, I was getting ready to go to my company’s holiday party. I was assured that there would be a plethora of booze there and I was not disappointed. As is my usual standard operating procedure I started to drink–a lot. Never in my wildest dreams would I have believed that later that night I was going to be seduced by a younger woman.
However, life is full of surprises and I was surprised when a young, Irish lass escorted me back to my house to engage in bit of race defilement. It all started because we were liquored up and she is an eternal optimist who is ready for any sexy situation (wink, wink). Anyways here we are a year later, but more importantly a good year later (except for your profligate use of utensils, glasses, paper towels, and your refusal to refill the Brita after filling one of your many cups of water). So this video best encapsulates the beginnings of our relationship. Here’s to yet another year of me robbing the cradle.
For years I have been the recipient of cruel, cruel jokes about the state of my liver. This is, of course, because of my proclivity to drink mass quantities of alcohol and my reluctance to visit a doctor to hear the dire news. Recently, I was arm-twisted into going to a doctor and getting a full check-up. After waiting a week for the results I am happy to report that my liver regenerates like Wolverine. 11 years of boozing and it’s still going strong. I look forward to many more nights of drinking, so someone buy me a beer and a shot of Jameson.
Here I am living in Washington DC. If you asked me 6 months ago what my life would be like I would have told you that I would still be living in NY working some crummy job to make ends meet. However things didn’t work out that way and instead of working a crummy job to support myself in NY I now live in crummy DC (it’s not really that crummy) and have a good job (albeit I don’t work enough). So what have I learned this past month, well quite a few things actually.
1. DC has the worst subway system ever (well maybe not the worst but it still kind of blows). I think it was designed by a bunch of people who had no idea how to design a subway, and didn’t believe in the need to design with an eye towards future needs (more on this later though in an upcoming pet peeves post).
2. Holy shit it’s humid as fuck here and this is a mild (MILD they said hah!) summer.
3. The transition from student to working stiff has been painless and (gasp!) I actually like my job and look forward to going to work (double gasp!). For the last four plus years I have done nothing but go to school, drink, do homework, drink, and at times sleep. It’s was rough but work (or the real world as some people call it) is so much easier. I work my shift then I’m off to do whatever I want (drink) without worrying about some paper I have to write. It’s fantastic. For the first time in years my free time is actually my free time.
4. The Natinals stink.
5. My new neighborhood (Capitol Hill) is one of the coolest neighborhoods I have ever lived in. There are a shit ton of bars, restaurants, and I’m close to everything. There’s 4 parks nearby and the neighborhoods are gorgeous and everything is within walking distance. The only thing that could make this neighborhood better is if it was in NY or Mr. Burns built his little sun blocking thing-a-majig here–because it’s hot as fuck here.
6. Just like people in NY, people in DC liberally sprinkle the word “literally” throughout their conversations constantly even though it’s not needed. Example: “I went to the grocery store and there were literally dozens of different kinds of cereal on the shelves.” Because if you just told me there were dozens of different kinds of cereal at the grocery store I totally wouldn’t believe you unless you added in literally.
7. People are very courteous here. The first time I rode the subway I was flabbergasted that people actually waited for other people to exit the subway cars before they entered. WTF I am so not used to that. I am used to fighting my way onto a train whilst others are fighting their way off, and then being punked by a spunky latin mom and her stroller. Now whilst the courtesy thing looks orderly and seems nice I don’t think it is more effective than everyone just scrambling in and out like roaches when the lights come on.
8. Living a mile away from the Capitol and two miles from the White House is not as cool as it sounds.
9. I have a lot of work ahead of me. So far I have noticed that there are not a whole lot of Coors Light drinkers here in DC. That means it time for me to get my hands dirty preaching the good work and converting all these lost sheep roaming the hills of the Capitol. I’ve done it before and as Pete Coors is my witness I will do it again.
10. This city is growing on me like a fungus. I am really starting to like it here, but I still miss NY. And I think I always will because it was the only place I have ever lived that I didn’t want to leave and, since I was a little chitlin living at home, it was the only place that has felt like home to me in a long, long time.
So that’s just a quick summary of a few things that I have learned (or in the case of the Natinals has been brutally reinforced) since I have moved to DC. New posts should be coming along fairly regularly now since I have started settling and the worst part of moving is now over. Look forward to random posts, nerdy posts, and drunken posts in the not too distant future.
I woke up this morning seriously pissed off. I didn’t really know why, but I figured after a nice cup of coffee and a bowl of cereal I would be good. Unfortunately, I was out of milk so no cereal, and I drank way too much coffee on an empty stomach so I was feeling queasy by the time I got to school for work. Things spiraled down from there as I had a new project waiting for me at work which pisses me off because I seem to be the only research assistant that actually does research. The rest just sit around doing their homework. So I stayed grumpy and became even more irritable as the day wore on.
Ugly Baby Exhibit A
By the time I got home around 5pm I was bristling with anger, and I told neverbesocial that if there was a baby in front of me I would punch it in the throat. (I have to clarify that statement, however, as most babies would probably melt my heart–like the sap I am–but I would have seriously thought about punching an ugly baby in the throat.) Be that as it may I kept getting more angry because I couldn’t figure out why I was so angry all day long. Then I took a look at my calendar and saw what day it was. Today is March 19th and it is–along with the 20th–the anniversary of the invasion of Iraq. I quickly realized that that was why I was pissed all day, even though I didn’t realize the significance of the day until after about 9 hours of being a real grinch. I guess my body is just on its own program.
Like I said everything started to make sense after that, but I ended up getting more pissed off because I was thinking about how I hate these wars and how I can’t wait for them to be over and for the troops to come home. I also was pissed at myself for being such a whiny complaining bitch because someone had the audacity to ask me to do my job, whilst there are other people over in Iraq and Afghanistan separated from their families performing a thankless arduous job. I decided that it was time to hit the gym and go for a run to burn off all of my anger. I went to the gym and really killed myself. Running whilst angry is great; anger is one of the best motivators out there. After a good two hours at the gym I was feeling really good and as I was walking home and just as I was getting ready to cross the street I noticed that there was like 3 cars at each stop sign waiting for me. I figured I’d be a nice guy and jog across the street so that these people could get on their way quicker. Bad idea. This is the first time something like this has ever happened to me. I took two steps and both legs cramped up and locked themselves in a bent position. I came crashing down in the middle of the street in absolute anguish. I managed to get up and hop to the sidewalk where I laid on the ground writhing for the next 5 minutes as cars drove by staring at me like I was a circus freak. To make matters worse some people on the other side of the street were walking by and had seen the whole thing and were laughing their asses off. Salt in the wound.
Last night I finally got to see Jimmy Eat World live in concert. After all these years of being a fan of them, and constantly missing out on their shows, I finally made one. First off I will always be grateful to neverbesocial for introducing me to Jimmy Eat World back in those halcyon Phoenix days. (Actually I have to thank him for introducing me to quite a few of my favorite bands. He has been a sort of musical Gandalf guiding me through the perilous path of new music. Although I still can’t stand Mates of State or Portugal the Man, but hey whatever I can’t be expected to like everything he does.) Anyways I got to the show earlier than I did for The Black Keys a few weeks ago, but despite that, there was still a huge line–over a block long–by the time I got there. The people at Terminal 5, however, kept the line moving quickly and I was able to get inside before I froze completely to death.
Once inside I went back up to my spot on the third floor railing, grabbed an empanada, a couple beers, and got ready for the show. I can’t tell you how excited I was for this show. I have been looking forward to seeing JEW for a long time now and the fact that my first concert was going to be the Clarity tour only added to my exhilaration–as Clarity is one of my all-time favorite albums. So I suffered through the opening act–they actually were not that bad, but I just didn’t feel like waiting any longer to see JEW. A little bit after 9:00 JEW came out to the rousing cheers of the crowd and commenced to playing Clarity in it’s entirety–including Goodbye Sky Harbor. It was a fantastic show and they sounded great, and considering this was their first show on the tour, I expect that as the tour rolls on they will tighten up their sound even more. After they finished playing Clarity they left so they could take part in the obligatory encore–bands really need to stop doing that as it’s pretty contrived–and then they came back out and played some of their b-sides and then finished off the show with Work, Pain, The Middle, and Sweetness. The crowd went absolutely ape-shit for Sweetness and it really is the best song to finish the show to as everyone left completely pumped after that song. Well there is not really much more for me to say that the pics and videos can’t say on their own. So enjoy the pics and videos. (By the way Jimmy Eat World if you all are upset about me posting these pics and videos online just twitter me to take it down. No need to release the hounds.)
Yesterday turned out to be quite the adventure. It was supposed to be just an easy night out on the town watching The Black Keys. I left my apartment and after a long train ride and a long walk I made it to Terminal 5 at about 7:30. As I stood in line waiting to get frisked I pulled out all the crap in my pockets so the process would go quicker. Of course I get frisked by a beast of a women (how come it’s socially ok for a female to frisk a male but not vice-versa?) who decided to take some liberties with her frisking by grabbing my ass a few times. Wtf is up with shit like this happening to me (if you are new refer to this post here)?
Immediately after that weirdness I went to the bar and started crushing beers like my life depended on it. I milled around for a bit and then decided that since I had my camera on me I would stake out a good spot upstairs to watch the show. I ended up on the third floor railing with a good view of the stage, and bonus I was spitting distance from the bar. My plan was to get nice and loaded during the opening bands and then to slow down or quit drinking once the Keys came on stage. As usually plans went awry and I kept pounding all night long. (I really think it was the last four Sierra Nevadas that did me in.) This was the third time I have seen them live and as always the show was epic. (No show will ever be as good as the first time I saw them in Cali at Brick by Brick just because of the extraordinary lengths I went through to go to that show, and because of the amount of laws–military and civilian–that I broke just by going to it.) Since I took a bunch of pictures and videos of the show I will let them speak for the epicness of the show instead of babbling on and on.
After the show I hooked myself up with a new t-shirt and I got it for $10 instead of the usual $20. I think that was because I was incredibly drunk and the dude who was running the counter just wanted to get rid of me. Once I left Terminal 5 it took me forever to get home as I was chatting on the phone and ended up walking a few miles past my subway stop, then I fell asleep on the E-train (again), and it wasn’t until after 4 that I ended up stumbling home. All in all it was a good night with all the mandatory ingredients for a good night: live music, beer, stumbling around NYC, and falling asleep on the train. Anytime that happens it is definitely good night. Pictures and videos (sorry they are a bit wobbly, I blame the beer) after the fold, enjoy.
Some things are just meant to be together, like peanut butter & jelly or peanut butter & chocolate (damn why is peanut butter so darn good). I have always been a big fan of drinking profusely and I have always been a big fan of history, and even though at times I have mixed the two, I have never actually thought of recording said conversations. So a big thank you to Sara for texting me to inform me of these skits, which combine two of my favorite things, and also fits in perfectly with the theme of this blog. This is just one more great combo in life that was meant to be. Maybe one of these days I’ll get my own episode and I’ll give them a drunken lecture on some random historical event (seriously Pacificus/Helvidius debates are still fresh in my mind and I could wax about it drunk no problem). Now enjoy Drunk History.
The other day I got a comment on this site from Emily who maintains her own blog at emlocke.com. So I went to check out her site, and she had this post about her earliest memories, and it got me thinking about my earliest memories. So here is the story of my earliest memory (I’m serious too, this is the absolute truth). It’s amazing how well my first memory fits in with the overriding concept for this blog.
I was between 3-4 years old at the time and it was a night like any other night: my mom was keeping dinner warm on the stove whilst we waited for my dad to get home from work so that we could eat together as a family. It was dark outside so it was fairly late, and my brother and I were running around the house wreaking havoc. I’m sure my brother, five years my senior, was probably torturing me. He loved messing with me as a kid, that is until I grew into my strength and shifted the balance of power between us.
Anyways my dad finally burst through the door, after a long day of work, and my brother and I ran over to say hello. I grabbed onto my dad’s knee and he plopped a kiss on my head and tussled my hair on the way over to the fridge. When he got to the fridge he pulled out a beer–either MGD or a German beer–and then pulled a mug out of the freezer. He then executed the most perfect pour ever. This pour is seriously burned into my brain. He emptied out the complete bottle of beer and I watched with anticipation as it filled the mug. The head on the beer rose and mushroomed slightly over the rim of the mug, without any spillage, and then stopped. It was a legendary pour. At that moment before he had a chance to take a triumphant swig the phone rang.
My dad placed the mug on the counter, and my eyes never left the mug, and walked over to answer the phone. It was something work related, because he started to walk back into his room for some paperwork. Mind you this was back in the day before cordless phones so we had one of those 100ft cables attached to the phone. So as he was untangling the cord and working his way to the back of the house I began to implement my plan. I walked into the bathroom and grabbed the stool that I used to brush my teeth and carried in into the kitchen. I can still remember how I struggled to carry the stool down the hallway into the kitchen. It was an indication of the herculean strength I would end up developing. My brother quickly figured out what I was doing and started to tell me no, and my mom was finishing up setting the table and also checking out the news on TV, so she never noticed what I was doing. I, meanwhile, placed the stool underneath the beer and began to climb up it. By this time my brother was hysterically laughing and trying to tell me no at the same time. It didn’t work as his laughing only encouraged me to continue.
As I reached the top of the stool I teetered, steadied myself, and then grabbed my prize (a bit reminiscent of Indy in the beginning of Raiders). I was careful not to spill it and proceeded to slowly climb down my stool sans the use of my hands. When I got to the bottom my brother was beside himself and was anxiously waiting to see how this would turn out. I remember taking that humongous mug and bringing it up to my mouth and drinking the whole entire mug in one shot. This, once again, presaged my later abilities to drink mass quantities of beer quickly. When I finished I stumbled over to the kitchen table and put the mug on the corner of the table.
My brother by this time was rolling on the ground laughing, and I ran into the living room and promptly fell down. I got up and ran around in circles, but I think I was trying to run in a straight line. After getting up and falling down a few more times I decided to stay on the ground. My dad came back and started to inquire where the hell his beer was. My brother was more than willing to turn state’s evidence and, in between laughing fits, he pointed to the empty mug on the kitchen table. My dad quickly realized what happened–it wasn’t hard I mean I was rolling around on the ground making noises (much like I do now when I get drunk)–and shook his head in disbelief. He poured himself a new beer, and then went over to the living room to help me up to the kitchen to eat dinner. I don’t believe I was ever punished for this, I guess my dad figured that my hangover would be punishment enough, and to this day they still are.
Well there you have it, that is my earliest memory. Stealing a beer from my dad at the tender age of 3. Since that day I have embarked on a life long love affair with beer. There have been many ups, and quite a few downs, but overall me and beer have made a good team. We have created plenty of great memories, and along the way we have lost even more. Thankfully my first memory of beer remains as intact today as it did when I was a kid.
On January 16, 1919 the 36th State ratified the 18th Amendment and Prohibition became the law of the land. The movement to prohibition was a long one and started in the 1780′s when physician Benjamin Rush warned of the dangers of alcohol. The real push towards prohibition began after the Second Great Awakening (1790-1840) with the rise of evangelical Protestantism. What a shock a bunch of religious zealots tried to stop other people from having fun because they were incapable of enjoying themselves. Although the reasons for the temperance movement–and eventually prohibition–were not entirely religious, those beliefs did play a pivotal role in pushing for the legislation. Anyways this evangelical movement spawned a plethora of temperance movements throughout the 19th Century. There was the Washingtonian Movement, the American Temperance Society, the Sons of Temperance, and later in the century the Woman’s Christian Temperance Union, and the Anti-Saloon League.
Although these movements preached temperance towards the end of the 19th Century they started to work towards a complete prohibition of alcohol. By 1919 the 18th Amendment was ratified and in 1920 the Volstead Act was passed to reinforce prohibition. The grand hope of prohibition was that by forcing people to stop drinking the country would enter a golden age of peace and prosperity. The truth was much different however:
Prohibition did not alleviate the problems of alcohol—instead it just exacerbated the problems. It created a black market where none had existed before, Americans drank stronger, more lethal alcohol, the purity of which was unregulated, the dosages higher, and violence and alcohol related deaths increased dramatically. Furthermore, criminal organizations were able to take advantage of this new market and rise to prominence. Their rise brought corruption into politics and law enforcement in many American cities…
Once Prohibition went into effect prohibitionists in America lauded the amendment and prophesied that a new and better day was beginning in America. One of those people was the minister Billy Sunday who proclaimed, “the reign of tears is over. The slums will soon be a memory. We will turn our prisons into factories and our jails into storehouses and corncribs. Men will walk upright now, women will smile, and the children will laugh. Hell will be forever for rent.” Unfortunately it was quite the opposite. Prostitution and gambling had always been a staple of organized crime; but once the Eighteenth Amendment took effect organized crime found a new and much more profitable industry. As a result of completely prohibiting alcohol the prohibitionists unwittingly created a vast market; bootlegging became the order of the day and with it came an increase in violence and corruption. Organized crime was able to take advantage of high demands by the populace; and by supplying liquor and beer to citizens of all social standings criminal organizations became rich and powerful. They were able to influence everyone from judges to politicians.
