Hobo: Hello. Girl: Um… Hello. Hobo: (gives girl some coins and smiles) You look like a nice girl. Don’t become a whore. Girl: Um… Thanks, I guess.
Old woman: Take a picture of me with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and their son. Young woman: Mom, the black kid isn’t a wax figure. Old woman: Well, she just keeps adopting them, I thought it was her son!
Five-year-old boy to mother: It smells like penis in here! Embarrassed mother: “Peanuts”. Honey, you mean “peanuts”. Five-year-old boy: No. Penis! (points to his crotch)
–Duane Reade in Penn Station
Big black guy #1: Yo, does anybody know where we get off to go uptown? White passenger: The next stop. Big back guy #1: Yo, everyone shut up and listen to the white nigga! He’s givin’ us directions! Big black guy #2: Ain’t no such thing as a white nigga, fool!
This one isn’t funny it just pisses me off. It’s amazing how many stupid people end up in college–when they don’t deserve to be there–just because daddy hooked them up with a trust fund.
Frat guy #1: So how do you think you did on your history exam? Sorostitute: I don’t want to talk about it. Frat guy #1: Oh come on, it can’t be that bad. Frat guy #2: She thought World War II happened in the 1970s.
I can hear it already 3? Where are the first two in this your series about insomnia, and by the way, what’s with all the series’? The first one is here and the second one is here, and I just happen to like series’ and numbering shit so deal with it. Anyways back to the insomnia. So I’m laying around in bed not sleeping and it’s early (or late if you like) as hell so I flip on the TV. It must be Christian Slater love month, because another old classic–this time Kuffs–was about to start, so I figured what the hell I’m not sleeping I might as well be entertained. I didn’t enjoy it this time around as much as I did when I was younger, or even as much as Pump Up the Volume or Gleaming the Cube. I’m alright with the quirky Ferris Bueller-esque talking to the camera shtick, I just started to nit-pick at some of the plot details and police procedures.
It kind of bugged me when he broke into the laundromat without a warrant, I was like “hey none of that evidence will be admissible in court, and your totally trampling on their 4th Amendmant rights.” Although I guess it doesn’t matter when the criminals would rather go down in a blaze of glory than have their day in court. Uhhhg I know I’m such a dork, but I can’t help it, I guess I’m just getting old. Of course I always have problems with Hollywood gun-play, because, well, they invariably are always wrong. Now I know it looks cool when someone hits the clip release button on their gun, and the empty clip falls like a boulder to the bottom on the sea; but in all my years of shooting and changing clips on the fly, I have never, never, ever had a clip just fall out. So that bugs me. What really pissed me off, however, is that who the fuck is smart enough to steal, and smuggle $80 million worth of art, and then proceeds to have the final deal occur in broad daylight, in the middle of San Francisco, on top of a fucking car garage. Really? That’s the best you can come up with. Fucking weak. While I’m on the weak note, what’s with the pseudo-Beverley Hills Cop theme? One of the redeeming factors of this movie though was it introduced me to Milla Jovovich. There’s just something about her that’s great, I mean, besides the fact, that she gets naked in almost every movie (she is the reason why I watched all the Resident Evil movies). So after I finished watching Kuffs, I looked around for Resident Evil or The Fifth Element, unfortunately neither were on, so I had to settle for some infomercials.
What good is a blog if you can’t rail against the things that piss you off the most in life? So in honor of all the things that piss me off I’m starting a weekly (and I use that term weekly very, very loosely) series about the people/things that piss me off. So what’s got my goat this week? I will tell you, and it is something that has been pissing me off for a long time.
Anyone ride public transportation? If you have I’m sure you will feel my pain. I can grudgingly handle the people that don’t shower, and the ones that feel compelled to eat four cloves of garlic before they ride. The people I hate the most are the bitches*—and I say bitches because 9.9 times out of 10 it’s women, and she’s the type of person that thinks she is better than you, so bitch is apropos—that stand at the top step of the bus scouring through their ginormous purses looking for their metro card. These people don’t have the foresight to look through their purse during the ten minute period when their fat asses are sitting on the bench, at the bus stop, waiting for the bus. NO, NO, NO of course not because that would be too fucking easy. NO, instead they choose to make the whole fucking bus operate on their time, because they think they are the fucking Queen of Sheba. The worst part is when the last person to get on the bus can’t find their card, and the bus driver won’t move until they do find it, so you end up with a perfect storm, and you waste precious time waiting, waiting, and waiting for big Bertha to figure out where she threw her card in that cavernous purse.
Now this is not confined just to women, I think I saw a guy do it once, maybe. Here’s a tip when you are commuting. Find your fucking card before you get on the bus so that you don’t inconvenience the whole entire bus, because you were too lazy to look for it, or too short sighted to put it somewhere accessible. If you have a fucking enormous purse put it—the card—in your pocket or somewhere where it can be easily reached. Please for the love of fucking god, you are not the only person in the world, quit acting like you are.
*Alright I want to reiterate that I’m not implying that all women are bitches, because that would be the furthest from the truth, but I can’t stand these females that act like they’re god’s gift to the world. So in that sense I believe that bitches is appropriate.
These are old videos, but nonetheless, they are well done and hilarious. These guys did a series called Chad Vader – Day Shift Manager. It’s a great series and soon season 2 will be coming out, so in preparation of that I thought I’d post the original Chad Vader.
So these random Google searches started out by me posting a blog about Obama’s nerdy bike riding clothes, and his enormous helmet. It was from that post that I decided to do a random search for bike helmets, and this was the result of that search. After that neverbesocial posted this tool. I wanted to post something in response to neverbesocial, but I didn’t know what, and I had absolutely no inspiration. That is until I rode the bus yesterday and peeped with my little eyes some of the nerdiest asians my eyes had ever bespeckled. It wasn’t that they were asian that made them nerds, although that helps, it was because they were fucking rocking some of the gaudiest fanny packs I had seen in awhile. So without further ado my fanny pack inspired random google search. Enjoy.
I really, really don’t have the words for this picture.
WTF?!? I don’t know what this has to do with fanny packs but it is disturbing.
Move to Europe now!
Wow, hard to believe someone went out in public looking like this.
And for the Paris Hilton wannabes that just can’t leave their cute puppies at home.
Drunk guy: It was incredible. He puked and then he just disappeared. I’ve never seen anything like it. He was like the Criss Angel of puking.
Girl #1: So, you didn’t go to the show? Girl #2: Hell no. Girl #1: My boyfriend tried to make me go. Girl #2: Why would I want to go? I’ve slept with like, everyone there. Like I need to see a close up of all of the STDs I’ve narrowly avoided?
–Double Down, Houston & A
Goth girl talking loudly to goth friend: It just sucks that everyone is such a toolbag. Like everyone. That guy right there. Toolbag. You. Toolbag. Everyone is just a toolbag. Like seven out of ten people are just tools.
Little tourist boy: Mommy! Look, that lady is a Nazi! Frazzled tourist mom: What? Oh… Honey, that nice lady is hailing a cab, not Hitler.
Girl: But my gynecologist loves my vagina! She says it’s very tan! Guy: Yeah… tan and leathery.
–New Amsterdam Theatre
Girl in line: And that’s when I told him that if he’s going to keep masturbating in a glass box, at least I shouldn’t have to… (stops, realizing everyone is listening) Guy in line to friend: That is so going in my blog.