Well this is it; the final list in my series on presidential nicknames. This one is reserved for the most badass nicknames. Not all of these presidents are military heroes (nor should they be), but they all have badass names for one reason or another. If you haven’t yet, you should read Part I and Part II first. Hopefully, this series has been as enjoyable for you to read as it was for me to write, and hopefully it has sparked in you some interest in history.
10. William Henry Harrison
Nicknames: “General Mum”, “Tippecanoe”, and “Washington of the West”.
Anytime that you get compared to George Washington you have to be doing something right. A tip of the ol’ cap to Harrison.
10. John Quincy Adams
Nicknames: “Old Man Eloquence” and “The Abolitionist”.
John Quincy Adams although alive during the founding era is not one of the founders. His time came a bit later. The scion of “His Rotundity” proved to have great eloquence and also character. He was an outspoken supporter of abolition in a time when it wasn’t exactly popular. Also for bonus points and real badassitude, legend has it that Adams didn’t take the oath of office on a Bible, but on a book of laws. Now that’s badass.
8. William Jefferson Clinton
Nicknames: “Bubba”, “The Comeback Kid”, “The First Black President”, “Slick Willie”, and “Teflon Bill”.
Slick Willie for somehow weaseling out of every single scandal that he was involved in and the Comeback Kid for some how always rehabilitating his image after said scandals. Aside from Nixon, Clinton probably is one of the most resilient presidents ever. Every year his presidency (and thereby himself), despite the scandals, looks better and better.
7. Theodore Roosevelt
Nicknames: “The Cyclone Assemblyman”, “The Hero of San Juan Hill”, “The Lion”, “Old Four Eyes”, “Theodore the Meddler”, “Teddy”, “TR”, “The Trust Buster”, and “Teedie”.
The Lion and The Hero of San Juan Hill are pretty fierce names for a dude with glasses thicker than Professor Farnsworth’s. Oh yeh and he was a weak, sickly kid with asthma who learned boxing and started a fitness regime to overcome his weakness. On top of that believed in the conservation of our natural resources and helped protect millions or acres of wildlife. He also didn’t let himself get punked by a bunch of plutocrats. Trust Buster indeed. On top of all of this he is the inspiration for the Teddy Bear, Bam! Bonus points for being the first president to go by his initials.
It’s time for round two of presidential nicknames. This time we move on to the funniest, most ironic (hence the hipster edition) nicknames. So these nicknames will be funny, or ironic, or both. Huzzah! If you haven’t done so yet read Part I.
10. Chester Alan Arthur
Nicknames: “Chet”, “Gentleman Boss”, “Prince Arthur”, “The Dude President”, and “Walrus”
The Dude President. I have a sneaking suspicion that Arty wasn’t really elected president. Instead it was one Chester Alan Arthur of Ohio. However, our Chester A. Arthur, from California, preferred drinking white russians whilst bowling. Unfortunately, he spent his entire presidency trying to get a new rug from the English PM after a couple of limey thugs peed on his (if you don’t get any of these references punch yourself in the face now). Also did anyone ever call him Chester the Molester? I dunno but that definitely would’ve made for a great attack ad.
9. John Adams
Nicknames: “The Colossus of Independence”, “The Duke of Braintree”, “King John the Second”, “Old Sink or Swim”, and “His Rotundity”.
Here we have one of the founders who accomplished a lot to bring America into being. He was also the second President of the United States, but he also spent more time on vacation on his farm in Quincy than actually presidenting. He spent more time on vacation than George W. Bush (and that’s saying something) Perhaps we should add “His Vationness” or “Vacation-in-Chief”. Of course Adams was also a colossal cock who rubbed everyone the wrong way (his own party didn’t even want to endorse him for a second term). Adams also was particularly fond of seemingly British titles and procedures, hence all the Dukes, Kings etc. in his nicknames, despite the fact that the US had just fought a war to get rid of a lot of that shit. He is a complete contradiction. Oh yah and he was fat. His Rotundity is one of my favorite nicknames ever.
8. Thomas Jefferson
Nicknames: “The Apostle of Democracy”, “The Man of the People”, “Mad Tom”, “The Negro President”, and “The Sage of Monticello”.
Jefferson the first President elected because of the three-fifths compromise hence The Negro President. Jefferson helped his own cause by fathering a horde of half black kids. Jefferson begins a string of presidents from the south (not all in a row) who get elected primarily because of slavery. The only reason he could be a sage was because he didn’t have to work. He had plenty of time to think and contemplate philosophy whilst his slaves did all his work. One of the few things that Jefferson ever let get in the way of all of his sageing was all the slave banging he did.
While reading Battle Cry of Freedom McPherson, at times, uses the nicknames of presidents. When I read a couple of these immediately a dim light bulb went off in my head and I thought “I should write a post about presidential nicknames”. Because I’m too lazy to do the research I am going to use this list from Wikipedia as my source, but because I am excited about the prospects of this post I have decided to turn it into a trilogy of posts (Huzzah!!). We have had 44 presidents so I figure I will keep the lists to 10 name plus some (dis)honorable mentions, which should pretty much take care of all the interesting ones. The rules for this exercise are fairly fluid but the main one is no president will be on two lists. If they have a good one and a bad one I will pick which ever I like the best or worst and go with that one. This list will be of worst presidential nicknames, with worst being defined in two ways. Either boring uninspiring names for boring uninspiring presidents or bad nicknames for presidents who should have fared better. Here now is my subjective list of the worst presidential nicknames:
10. Warren Gamaliel Harding
Nickname: “Wobbling Warren”
Not a name that helps inspire confidence.
9. John Fitzgerald Kennedy
Nicknames: “JFK”, “Jack”, and “The King of Camelot”
For all the bluster about the Kennedy years and how wonderful they were and how much JFK inspired the nation these are some pretty weak nicknames. And the whole Camelot meme is seriously worn out, especially as time drags on.
8. Andrew Johnson
Nickname: “The Tennessee Tailor”
Profession + State = boring and uninspiring. Johnson was the first President to be impeached. So hows about “Commander Impeach”.
7. Franklin Pierce
Nicknames: “The Fainting General”, “Young Hickory of the Granite Hills”, and “Handsome Frank”
There are many, many (you could say a plethora or myriad) attributes you would like your General or President to have. Fainting is not one of them. I see the situation playing out like this:
“General the enemy is coming.”
“OOOOH the enemy is coming!”
“General?!? General?!? Shit he fainted again. Sound the attack and carry the Generaless to her tent.”
Also I would say that “Handsome Frank” was probably a sarcastic nickname.
Merry Christmas to everyone out there on the internets. In keeping with the spirit of the season I have compiled some of my favorite videos to help bring joy to you. So your welcome.
First up is one of my all-time favorite Christmas cartoons: How the Grinch Stole Christmas. It’s the greatest although the ending is a bit weak. I would have liked to see the Grinch stay grinchy instead of turning into a bit fat sap, but, oh well, nothing is perfect although this cartoon comes close. I have to admit that the Grinch taught me a lot about the spirit of the season. Thanks Grinch.
Next up is some clips from Red Sleigh Down, one of the funnier South Park episodes. Money line: “This is Baghdad God what a shit hole, I mean, oh wow these poor unfortunate people.” Full episode here.
A wise man once said “Marty, if you put your mind to it you can accomplish anything.” Those wise words were my guide today when I embarked on my latest Herculean effort: watching the Star Wars Holiday Special. I had always heard the stories about this epically terrible show, and I thought that I would never get the chance to see it. However, this afternoon when I woke up from my beer induced coma, I hopped on my computer to see what was new in the world. One of my stops was Lady VoIP’s newest blog entry, in which she talked about a virtual Christmas. One of the links she posted caught my eye as it was a site that had 101 Christmas videos. Like a lightning bolt to the brain I immediately thought that there was no way they could have that many videos and not have the Star Wars Holiday Special, and as it turned out #100 was my lucky number.
WTF???
I really couldn’t believe my luck there it was–the missing link. I had to see it and since it was snowing outside I decided that there was no time like the present. To be fair I knew it was supposed to be bad I just didn’t know how bad it was going to be. The first ten minutes of the show was so mind-numbingly excruciating that I had to stop watching and take a break. How bad was it? Ten minutes of watching an inside glimpse of the everyday occurrences of your typical Wookie family. While that was bad enough the make-up, special effects, and really every aspect of it was of the absolute worst quality. It also looked like they scavenged some of the terrible footage that went unused from A New Hope, and some clips looked like they were taken directly from the ANH and reused. On top of all this there was no talking for ten minutes, unless you can call RRRWWWWGGGRR RAAAAWRRR GRRRAAAWWWWRRGG talking. This was the first time I thought about giving up, but the wise words of George McFly helped me to continue on, and thank god I kept going otherwise I would have missed out on all of the greatness that was awaiting me.
Where's The Zipper?
For the entirety of the show I was unable to watch more than fifteen minutes without taking some kind of break to keep my brain from leaking out of my ears. I can’t even put into words how much of an abomination this show is. Let me see if I can attempt to explain how terrible it was. First off the story is dreadful and I’m not even sure what the fuck the story is. It has something to do with Chewbacca going home, and with some talisman that we only see for about ten seconds, and then it becomes irrelevant. Nothing made sense throughout though because the structure and presentation was god-awful. It seems like in every scene they only did one take, and no matter how bad it was they kept it. It’s about now where you are probably asking “why the fuck did you keep watching then?” I will tell you why. You know how some movies are so bad that they transcend their badness and become good? Well that’s not this show at all; it is in an entirely different stratosphere. It is soo bad that it is hysterical. I laughed so freaking hard I drooled on myself. This hilarity comes with a price though–namely retardation. Seriously my brain still feels addled and it has been hours since I finished watching it.
Back Off Sukka!!
One of the only redeeming factors of the whole thing was the cartoon that just abruptly shows up in the middle of the show, and like the show it doesn’t really make much sense but the significance of the cartoon is that it is the first appearance of Boba Fett. Despite the absurdity of this show somehow Boba Fett still retains a modicum of coolness. Another highly hilarious moment was when Chewbacca’s kid, Lumpy (seriously who the fuck thought of that name), starts crying. After watching that scene I couldn’t stop laughing for about ten minutes. Some of the most heinous parts of the show include their attempts to bring “celebrities” into the show via some weird TV like thing. I could have done without Bea Arthur, Jefferson Starshit, or that stupid stupid cooking show. Seriously my mind is still spinning from the incomprehensibility of the whole show. As bad as it was I feel like I accomplished something by sticking with it and watching the whole entire thing. It’s like some zen thing where you cleanse your mind by enduring trials and tribulations. That’s how I feel now, and also half-retarded but maybe that’s just part of the zen experience. So with all that being said go watch it–if you dare. If you can make it through the first ten minutes then you should be impressed with your mental resolve. It’s seriously a once in a lifetime experience. On a side note I want whatever drugs George Lucas was on when he agreed on the creation of this Frankenstein.
In honor of the Governor’s hair-brained scheme to put taxes on iTunes downloads (and possibly other DLC), and a host of other dumb taxes, I am posting this SNL skit about him. I mean there is a $15.4 billion budget gap. So raising taxes on small stuff like digital content and soda is a bit like McCain’s claims that if we vetoed all ear-marks we would magically have a budget surplus. 15.4 billion is a big number and means that there is inefficiency in your government, so fix that shit first, and that most (if not all) of the gap is going to have to be made up with broad reforms to the way things are done on a daily basis in government. Proposals like this just piss people off because they know that instead of looking in the mirror you are just trying to squeeze some more money out of everyday people. One more thing if you appoint Caroline Kennedy as Hillary’s replacement then you should be impeached, because she has the same amount of experience as Sarah Palin.
Updated – 4:38
Ok here is a commentary from Paterson explaining why he wants to raise taxes on sugary drinks. Basically it boils down to taxing a substance like soda in the hopes of preventing people from drinking an excess of soda, and hopefully to curb the rising rates of childhood obesity. Now in theory I shouldn’t care because I rarely ever drink soda, but I do have a huge problem with this. This is just another instance of the government stepping in and taking on a role that does not belong to them. Since when is it the governments job to tell people what to eat and drink. It takes away the responsibilty from the parents and essentially absovles them of being shitty parents. The government should be finding a way to put responsibility and blame back on the parents instead of taking more upon itself.
Another point I want to make is the taxing of iTunes and possibly other digital downloads. This is a terrible idea also because the government and corporations have been fighting to get digital piracy under control, and they have been making success over the last few years–specifically with iTunes. However, start throwing extra taxes on these legitimate downloads and it will have the same effect as the Coercive and Townshend Acts did, namely drive people back to piracy. Dumb ideas, government needs to look in the mirror and start trimming the fat off of some of their programs, and they need to modernize and get hip with the digital age.
Once again one of my comments is going to be the headline contest over at Overheard in New York. If you didn’t win last time you should give it a go this time. Anyways here’s the quote:
Student #1: I don’t know why that bitch has such a big ego, she’s fucking ugly. Student #2: Yeah, I know, but she thinks she’s Paris Hilton or some shit. Student #1: She’s probably getting fucked by some loser.
There you have it funny stuff; now go on over to the contest page and give it your best shot. Contest ends on Thursday.
I was supposed to be working on finishing up my paper today that is due on the 11th (which should be a day off, but don’t get me started on that one). Instead, however, I have been hanging out with my old friend procrastination. This afternoon I spent a few hours playing Gears of War 2, and then I went for a walk grabbed a couple slices of pizza. Lately I’ve been hanging out on the Internet looking at random shirts like this one. I have also spent way too much time on YouTube watching videos like this one:
I’m not sure what it is about monkeys or idiots hurting themselves, but damn do I enjoy watching them. So much so that I’ve wasted hours watching random videos of monkeys doing all manner of silly shit. The best part about monkeys is they don’t even have to be doing anything crazy, just watching monkeys on the Discovery channel cracks me up. Monkeys, midgets, and Japanese game shows always make me laugh, and YouTube has a plethora of hilarious videos to keep me occupied and help me procrastinate. Well time for another Rockstar, and then, hopefully, I will be able to get some work done, after I finish watching Saving Private Ryan that is.
What if John McCain’s campaign ads, instead of being lame and toxic, were instead made by John Woo, Kevin Smith, and Wes Anderson. Well wonder no more.
